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Tuesday, September 19th, 2006
7:33 pm - another installment of...

Things I Like:
-Being 20. That's right, bitches: I'm an adult now. No one can say I'm being a moody teenager anymore. It also leads to some sober thought.
-When the weather is absolutely perfect on your birthday. Sunny, windy, and cool... and then later all gray and beautiful. *Swoon*
-Youtube. Thank you for letting me see music videos on my shitty computer that doesn't play them in any media player without freezing.
-"Pitter Patter Goes My Heart". I'm not sure why, but this song totally moves me lately.
-Martha Wainwright and Elliott Smith. When you're feeling all sad and heartbroken, listen to songs by these people. Elliott will make you cry, Martha will make you feel better.
-Michael Ondaatje's "In the Skin of a Lion". This book consumed me, and I would greatly recommend it. It's everything a love story should be: it's erotic without being cheesy or over-the-top, tragic while being realistic, and just amazingly well-written and interesting.
-Using my birthday as an excuse to do fuck all in terms of reading tonight.
-How my empty luggage is still stacked against the wall of the spare bedroom.... And I've been home for almost two weeks.
-Chai Tea Lattes. We've really bonded in the past week.

Things I Dislike:
-"Earbud" headphones. My ears don't like large hunks of plastic sitting in them.
-When your normal headphones break. This is why I'm using the earbuds. It's my own fault for treating them like shit.
-Searching "The Hidden Cameras" on Youtube, and finding a bunch of weird voyeuristic shit. Ewww...
-Being jobless. I handed out resumés over the weekend. Now let's hope to God that someone takes pity, and hires me.
-Blisters: you make my feet all bloody and painful.
-Missing the bus. The positive that came from this was that I realized walking to downtown Kitchener isn't that bad. Now I do it when I'm bored.
-How so many people assume "a lot" is one word. News flash: It's not.
-Feeling a tad rejected.
-Lectures that fail to entertain/interest me. I'm sorry, I just don't care about the etching process William Blake used!

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Friday, September 15th, 2006
3:39 pm - the harbour becomes the sea.
This is more out of necessity than catharsis.

He and I broke up again. Sort of. I guess it's all just been transferred into the realm of a causal relationship. I'm not entirely sure what that means to be honest, but I'm adjusting. From what I've gathered, it's just like a relationship with all the affection and attraction, but there are no strings. There is no committment. I need to talk to him a little more about it, and what this all really means. He keeps stressing that nothing between us really changes, but I'm not sure that's possible. But I'm playing this by ear. I love him, and don't want to lose him from my life, and... the physical aspect is.... nice... for lack of better word, so I don't really want to lose that either.

I just need to be calm. Maybe the whole thing did get too serious too quickly. I just need to discuss it more... or agree not to discuss it at all, but just to feel.

I don't much like getting my heart broken... although, I have written three good poems since then.

Please, gentle reader, don't comment on this. Don't give me, "omg I'm so sorry", and especially don't try to tell me what to do. Everyone pretty well has advised me against pursuing a casual relationship, and I know it's dangerous and that I'll probably just get hurt again, but I don't care. All I can trust is what I know: how I feel about him.... and that's what I'm going on at the moment... Wish me luck.

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Thursday, September 7th, 2006
9:56 am - packing and unpacking
First of all, I don't like laundry detergent containing bleach. Mostly because 90% of my clothing says "DO NOT BLEACH". Son of a bitch. Add "buy normal detergent" to my list of things to do. Actually, this is my list:

To Do:
-Unpack, and organize books/cds
-Wash all clothing (this is because in Chatham, my mother smokes. It doesn't bother me these days, but I share a closet with my stepmom, and the vague smoke scent bothers her).
-Deposit paycheque.
-Buy shampoo, toothpaste, a new toothbrush, soap, floss, make-up, and facial cleanser. It's funny how everything (except my hair conditioner) ran out towards the end of summer.
-Make numerous telephone calls.
-Buy necessary books, notebooks, and pencils for school.
-Hand wash the clothes that need to be washed in that manner.

Organizing all my shit is going to be interesting. I pretty much have to clean all my bookshelves first. Thank God it's only 10am. Anyway, I can't go anywhere until after 11:30... for two reasons: 1) I actually have no clean clothes, so I have to wait until at least one load of laundry is done, and 2) apparently our alarm system has been acting up, so I need to take care of it when it beeps at me at approximately 11:20am (or, so the note left for me says).

I can't find my writing notebook, and I hope that I packed it somewhere instead of losing it. The train ride here last night was lovely, and I actually wrote a new poem. I'll post it after edits are made. I also didn't have anyone talking about terrorist attacks this time around, which is always a plus.

So I bought the new Dears album yesterday. I like it, but am still a little uncertain. I'm used to my Dears records being way depressing and gloomy, and this is a definite departure from that. Seriously, the happiest Dears album ever.

Oh, I now have custody of Pam's old mobile phone. We even changed all the ownership and stuff, so, I guess I have a cell phone now. Haha... I had one before, but technically it belonged to my dad and Bonnie, and I only had it like 56% of the time.

Anyway, I should actually get some stuff done.

Missing YOU.

Love, love, loooooove.

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Tuesday, September 5th, 2006
9:06 pm - freeeeeeeeeeeedoooooooommmmmm!
Guess what?

I worked my last twelve hour shift of the summer today.
I survived the summer bee-sting free, although my sunglasses did break yesterday (I need some sort of end of summer symbol, I guess).
I made the decision to return to work there next summer. I'm so easily bought: my mind was made up when my boss told me she'll be giving me a raise next summer. Likely $9 an hour. How sweet is that?

I head back to Kitchener tomorrow, and I have much to do before then. I'll also be back in the realm of MSN messenger as of Thursday. Yesssss.

Love, love, love.

Oh, and I'd take you where nobody knows you, and nobody gives a damn.

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Tuesday, August 29th, 2006
12:21 pm
So I got all impulsive and went and had my hair cut again today. I like doing that. Literally, two nights ago after I had a shower, I was like, "hmmm my hair looks weird. Cool. Tuesday before work I'll go get it cut". And I did. Wooooo. My bangs are the shortest they've been in like two years. It's bitchin'.

So, a week from today I will be finished work. Originally, it was supposed to be a week from yesterday, but since I'm leaving a day later, I offered to work a day later. Wait, I never explained that to you. WELL. Last week I had a minor dilemma over the fact that I was informed that I couldn't return to Kitchener the day I wanted to. My family had plans to have Bonnie's kids and their kids stay for a couple of days, and there would be no room for me. This pissed me off, as coming home Tuesday was ideal, since I could go see Mike's coffee shop gig again, and have a full extra day to catch up with those I've missed for the last four months. But no dice. To top it all off, my stepmother told me that it was unlikely that they could come get all of my stuff before I came back. I know this is all incredibly minute, but it really irked me at the time. But since then, I've talked it over with my father. I still am returning Wednesday night, but they will indeed be taking my stuff up early. So I anticipate Thursday to be a day of unpacking, washing laundry, and organizing. This is good. I like doing these things.

Lately, I'm not at all hateful towards work. Things are going marvellously, actually. My hours aren't especially overwhelming, and it's slowed down considerably (it always does at the end of the summer). I get along well with my co-workers, and I think Sarah finally trusts me. Both she and Pete have been great to me lately, but the fact is... I know what I'm doing there. I've worked there for three summers now, and I know how she likes things set up and how to close and all that jazz. It's easy. I don't have to worry about opening or anything. So, I'm thinking about working there next summer too. Or, at least keeping my options open. Sarah told me I can work any time I'm home, and to just call her when I'm coming home next summer. That's nice, isn't it?

Other than that, life has been slow. It's been a good slow... quiet... preparation. Still, I'm hoping it'll pick up in a week. (**Ef-bomb, we HAVE to hang out. I suggest coffee/tea... what day would be best for you?**) I've been reading a bit lately, which is nice. No writing to speak of, even though I've felt quite inspired at times. Soon, I hope. Fall days and time between classes should bring some luck.

Alright, that's all for now. I'm sorry I have nothing insightful to offer. Maybe I will in a week's time when I feel all nostalgic and excited to return to my fall routine.

I love YOU.

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Thursday, August 17th, 2006
2:50 pm - this week in things i like and dislike
Things I Like:
Booking three days off for dental appointments that literally last five minutes.
How clear and beautiful the sky looks at 3am.
$1000 dollar paycheques.
Really emo Myspace photographs.
How there are only 18 more days of work, and 19 more until I return to Kitchener full time.
Sunglasses. They mask how tired and crappy you look.
Meeting nice people on the train.
How I get another GST cheque in September. I like getting government money... even if it's originally my money... it still feels like a present.
Buying albums with the soul purpose of having songs to sing along to. This is why I just procured Sarah Slean's "Day One". Well, and because she's awesome.

Things I Dislike:
Parking lots. Great if you have a car. Not so much if you're a pedestrian attempting to go anywhere.
The mysterious leg pain I have from my new shoes. It's mostly because I never wear high heels. They're still so worth it.
Working like 70 hour workweeks in order to get those $1000 paycheques.
My new Visa. Sure, it makes things convenient, but it's really just one more thing to worry about.
Tuition. I have to pay you tomorrow, and it hurts me.
The inability to sleep in. My body wants to wake me up early (this from working at 7am every day). So, when I go to bed at like 4am, I still wake up by like 9.
Meeting people on the train who keep discussing terrorism. Awwwwwwkwwwwaaaaaard.
Having to go back to work tomorrow after having three days off.
When your best friends move away, and you have so little time to see them.

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Saturday, August 12th, 2006
9:10 pm - math is sexy
6 hour work shift + a two hour nap + a delicious sub and some peaches + cool weather + going for a long walk with Feist's album to keep me company + running into Doug = a much better psyche.

I still feel extremely tired, but the work marathon is almost done. Two more days of work until I'm back in Kitchener with three whole days off. Ahhhhhhhh.

S'all for now.

I love you.

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Friday, August 4th, 2006
8:30 pm - i've had just about enough of summer, thanks.
Before I start... I read this on chartattack today:

Maybe that's why Sebastien has played with BSS every time I've seen them. They may as well just add him to the band. lol. Still, it is saddening news.

Summer is overrated. Have I complained about this already? Most likely, but here goes again. I once wrote a large journal entry (my real journal... the one you all don't get to read) about it, so maybe I'm thinking of that. Whatever. I'm just feeling really overtired (being forced to work overtime again today...) and kind of bummed out. I couldn't sleep last night because of what I call the "work madness". Basically, I spent four hours last night in a state of lucid dreaming where I was convinced I was still at work. I was selling cantaloupe. The "work madness" occurs when I work a closing shift, and go to bed within an hour of getting home. I clearly should not do that, seeing as I only ended up getting three hours of sleep last night. I was only scheduled a 7-3 shift, but naturally we were short staffed, and I had to stay later. Ah well, it was only two hours, and that's another $16. Still, I was painfully tired all day.

So I used to love summer. Days/nights spent at the beach, hanging out with friends, lazing around... Yeah, I don't do that anymore. All I do is fucking work. But the thing is... I have to work because I'm so poor. I'm scheduled to work 238.5 hours this month. It's pretty intense. It looks like I won't have to sell my organs afterall. Sorry to disappoint, Efraim. I have six days off all month. But, my boss is closing one of our stands down (we have three... I always work at the main market though), and this could potentially affect my hours. Which I don't want, because I'm desperate for money. And I do get really bored when I don't work. I get really lazy, and just waste time. But also, I don't really see people... not even Pam who is moving to Oklafuckinghoma in less than a month. Argh. I want to go back to seeing people. And not feeling so fucking tired all the time. Or, if I am feeling so tired, it is self-inflicted from staying out too late with people I love, or staying up too late with a story that needs to be finished.

And, of course... I miss him. His e-mail server is way unreliable, and a lot of our communicating is getting lost in the inter-web. This is frustrating.

So, I just miss the fall. I miss the cooler weather. This 40°C with the humidex is bullshit (oh Adam, the things you have to look forward to about living in South-Western Ontario!). I actually miss school, which is bloody bizarre. I want to go back to learning.

P.S., I love how interactive that last post of mine was. I've never had so many anonymous comments before... I LOVE IT. Now if only you guys would comment on my actual writing!

I love you.

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Saturday, July 29th, 2006
9:32 pm - fill it out, bitches!
Please fill this out. I'll look horribly unloved if you don't. Even anonymous readers... you can do this too. Especially if you're anonymous readers with giant hands or crazy puke coloured old man sweaters. You know I would love for all of you to fill this out. Just omit the questions that tell you to put this into your livejournal and such.

P.S. I'm eating for the first time in nine hours right now. I have some sort of stomach bug that had made food an enemy of mine. Well, food really isn't the enemy. It's mostly my stomach. Food is just collateral. Right now I'm testing the waters with toast. Wish me luck.

Comment With Your...
1. name:
2. birthday:
3. place of residence:
4. what makes you happy:
5. what are you listening to now/have listened to last:
6. do you read my lj:
7. if you do, what is particularly good/bad about it:
8. an interesting fact about you:
9. are you in love/have a crush at the moment:
10. favourite place to be:
11. favourite lyric:
12. best time of the year:
13. tell me something you've never told me before:
14. weirdest food you like:

1. A film:
2. A book:
3. A song:
4: A band:

1. one thing you like about me:
2. two things you like about yourself:
3. put this in your lj so I can tell you what I think of you.

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Monday, July 24th, 2006
9:52 pm
My tuition invoice came today.

Looks like it's time to sell my organs. Who needs two kidneys anyway?

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Saturday, July 15th, 2006
2:29 pm - this week in things i like and dislike
Things I Like:
Sleeping in.
Days off. I think I add this to every list I make, but frankly days off are what keep my summer from being a total bust.
M&M's Triple Chocolate Fudge cake. I'm not joking, that stuff is DELICIOUS.
The Notebook. The perfect movie to watch alone on a sunny Saturday afternoon. I love movies that make me start crying hysterically like fifteen times. I'm such a wuss (and I love it!).
Starting a new notebook. #18, bitches! #17 ran from the end of March to the middle of June. Not bad, eh?
CBC Radio. Thank you for playing good music and comedy last night while I was closing (I change the radio station while I close, because there's no way I'm fucking listening to hick country when I'm the only one working at the market).
Finding bras that fit really well. Sorry to alienate/patronize male readers of this journal of mine, but finding one of these is shockingly difficult.
Realizing that you're basically in a long distance relationship despite the fact that the person you are in the relationship with initially ended the relationship as to avoid a long distance relationship. It's all quite funny.
Feel Good Lost (Broken Social Scene). Why is it that I don't listen to this album more? It is sooooooooooooooooo good. And I always feel really inspired when I listen to it.

Things I Dislike:
The fact that "sleeping in" constitutes getting up at 9am.
The fact that on my days off, I turn the ringer on my telephone off, and try to spend as much time as I can on the Internet as to prevent the possibility of getting called into work.
The bizarre scratches that have appeared on my back. This better the fuck not be like Rosemary's Baby.
40° with the humidex. Work yesterday was fun.
The fact that it's too hot and suffocating out to go for a decent walk.
How I work like a demon all summer, but still won't be able to cover tuition and books by myself this year. I'm getting a job in the fall too. I try not to think about this too much though, as it REALLY brings me down.
How I still haven't gotten the home kit for my Sirius Satellite Radio. I feel like it's just going to waste, and that saddens me. I still love it though because I won it on Trivia Night on CBC Radio 3. Hehehe....
8:30am-9pm shifts. I like working the 12.5 hours, but it leaves me with very little time to do anything before or after work.
How I definitely have no work done on my summer novel. Boo.

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Wednesday, July 12th, 2006
10:51 pm - most recent poems
Sorry, I decided to take these down...

I still love you!

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Sunday, July 9th, 2006
9:47 pm - i find a little smile
Man, strawberries and ice cream is awesome. This is like orgasmically good.

I work my fourth super long (12+ hours) shift tomorrow. I'd better the hell get Tuesday off. Ergo, I'm going to bed in like fifteen minutes.

I haven't had time to finish this poem I started, and that's really irking me. I'm seriously loving it... It's a very bitter poem, but not in the emo way my bitter poems used to be. It's fun.

In case you were wondering, things are fine between he and I. We ignored the fight the next day, and the day was lovely. He cooked me lunch again, and we sat in his backyard. And then watched bizarre short films that he adores. Very fun. He's gone away travelling for the next two weeks, so I won't hear from him, which saddens me greatly.

I'm afraid to tell him that I love him... which is so strange, because I can tell almost everyone that I love them. I think it's different with him though. And of course I'm afraid he doesn't love me back.

Hi Sean! I know you read this, so hi! I miss you lots, and will e-mail you on my next day off.

I hope you're all doing well.


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Thursday, July 6th, 2006
10:10 am - no one here wants to fight me like you do
I fought with him yesterday. The worst came late late in the night when we argued over silly things like passion (it was honestly a fucking ridiculously fight), and said cruel things we didn't really mean. At least, I know I didn't mean them. We'll see if he did. He apologized for everything towards the end of the night, but you know how I get. In case you don't, once I'm very angry about something, it's difficult for me to shake it. I close myself away from the people who are trying to forgive me (how ironic given my personal ideologies), and make them become even more frustrated with me. Sometimes I wish I weren't quite so stubborn. So I came home last night at 4am, not feeling like I had made amends at all, which I must make clear: I hate leaving people while I'm still upset with them. So anyway, I came home, cried, moped, then went to bed, hoping I'd feel better in the morning. For the record, I do not feel better whatsoever... I feel worse. I really wanted to spend a nice couple of days with him, but somehow I managed to fuck that up.

This morning I've had Sally's Song on repeat for some reason. It just seems fitting. And I love the lyrics: "one, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten; money can't buy you back the love that you had then."

I guess on the frivolously happy side, I bought a ridiculously awesome mod dress yesterday, and a polka dot umbrella. But I still feel like hell this morning.

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Wednesday, July 5th, 2006
10:21 am - another installment of things i like/dislike
Things I like:
Dylan Thomas' "A Prospect of the Sea" (the collection of short stories).
Taking the train with Klarisa.
Getting paid after working 100.5 in two weeks.
"Sally's Song" by Feist.
Days off
"You choose, you chose poetry over prose."
The fact that I'm going thrift store shopping today.
Broken Telephone
Being at the beach on cool, clear nights.

Things I dislike:
Long weekends- Good in theory, but not in practice... I worked all weekend-- literally like 50+ hours, and it was really fucking busy.
The redneck country station we're forced to listen to at work.
Asshole customers who treat you like shit for absolutely no reason.
When my mother overreacts about minor things.
Not being able to sleep in on days off.
Rotten potatoes- these overtake tomatoes, radishes, and cucumbers as the most disgusting thing to sort at work... I thought I was going to throw up.
Free computers that are hella shady.... seriously, who gives someone a free computer (a co-worker gave it to my cousin) and doesn't clear anything off it.
Anything by Panic! At the Disco or Fall Out Boy. Their music makes my ears bleed.
When your friends find you crazy for sitting alone by the water while at the beach on cool, clear nights.

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Thursday, June 29th, 2006
11:27 pm - killing time, but it won't stand still
Holy crap Questionable Content (www.questionablecontent.net) and Indietits (www.indietits.com) were incredibly funny today. Nothing says humour like the line, "... he's better start sleeping with a helmet on, unless he wants to wake up skullfucked".

I also take back what I initially said about the Most Serene Republic, as their music has seriously grown on me. I'm thinking of buying their album, and ordering Phages.

I basically work like fifty hours in the next four days. Let's hope I don't die from exhaustion. On the plus side, by agreeing to be my boss' slave for the next few days, I totally scored the days off I need. So weeeeeeeee more time in Kitchener! I know I'm excited.

Oooh time for Letterman... which Broken Social Scene is on tonight. Here's hoping for Bandwitch! I had an odd feeling today that they might play Superconnected though. This too is completely implausible. It'll probably be Ibi or 7/4. Or maybe Fire Eye'd Boy. Anyway, that's all for now.


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Wednesday, June 28th, 2006
10:51 am - all of my love got stuck in traffic.
So, where have I been?

Well, first of all, I saw Broken Social Scene (along with Feist, Raising the Fawn, J Mascis, and Bloc Party) live again this past weekend. That was fucking amazing. It's funny, because most of the people who read this little blog o' mine were there... ergo, I'll save the gushing about the show. I was so so so happy to meet some Broken Telephoners though. I think that's what made the day so much fun for me. And, it proves that not everyone you meet on the Internet is a child molester or rapist! The coolest part was how amazingly we got along too. I love you guys! I really do! Seriously, I'll start commuting to Toronto for more shows just so we can hang out again.

I bought merch again, and ergo I'm fucking broke! Hahaha it's okay though. Who can resist shirts that say "We Hate Your Hate"? Anyway, I got a nifty A&C sampler that so many people were disappointed with. I like it a lot though. It's made me interested in New Buffalo and Phoenix, which proves that the advertising sampler is indeed effective. And the Russian Futurists remix of "The First Five Times" by Stars is bloody awesome. For those of you who don't know, "The First Five Times" happens to be my least favourite Stars songs. I'll admit it: I really don't much like that song, but somehow the Russian Futurists made the song awesome! I'm generally not that into remixes either (ie: the Feist remixes), but it seems everyone who remixes Stars does a great job. I'm hinting at the Most Serene Republic's remix of Ageless Beauty. If you don't have that song, seek it out on the Inter-web, because it's mindblowingly awesome. Actually, a Stars remix album is coming out this fall. I know I'm excited. Too bad we'll have to wait until fucking 2007 for new Apostle of Hustle.

Anyway, the weekend itself was great too, as we went out with some friends on Friday night. And granted my boss gives me the time off I requested, I'll be back in Kitchener next week. A quieter affair this time, with a dental appointment, a couple things to pick up for my mom, and hopefully a date with Chinese food, movies, and this boy that I adore. I may even get to see him sing and play guitar at a coffee shop he plays at every week.

Okay, it's 11am... I should go eat breakfast.


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Tuesday, June 13th, 2006
10:13 pm - this week in things i like and dislike
Things I Dislike:
Customers who come in five minutes before close
“You’re Beautiful” by James Blunt
How my hands feel like sandpaper
When one speaker in your headphones stops working
How I have a lot of planning to do in regards to my trip to Toronto (Efraim, Ad-rock, and Sean: E-mails from me are coming... probably tomorrow.)
Being tired every night by 10pm
Being too tired to stay up to watch good movies

Things I Like:
Hairdressers who do a fantastic job
Customers who give you $4 tips
“On Peak Hill” by Stars
Having shortish hair again
Hearing music through two headphone speakers again after a week of just one
How I’m going to be seeing BSS, Feist, and Raising the Fawn in a little less than two weeks (not to mention Ad-rock and Sean if we can work this out)
“The Sun Also Rises” by Ernest Hemingway
Annie Hall

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Saturday, June 10th, 2006
4:42 pm - since then

Things are not going as planned here. I know I wasn't looking forward to long shifts at work, but I've lost a few of them due to illness. My cold transferred into tonsilitis, and I've spent quite some time in emergency at the hospital (mostly because I wanted to find out what the hell was wrong with me). Today I went back out of fear that I was having an allergic reaction to my medication (I have some hardcore chest pain today) only to find that the muscles are just inflamed. Either way, life is kind of shitty right now. I think my boss hates me for being sick. This makes me sad.

I haven't been writing. I've read a little. I started "The Sun Also Rises" by Ernest Hemingway, and thus far it is terrific.

Okay, I need to go sleep.


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Monday, June 5th, 2006
9:10 pm - today
I finished jPod.

There is now a gaping hole in my life that the book had once filled. Douglas Coupland doesn't write books fast enough to satisfy me.

Also, A&C whores: "We all lose one another along the way, but we all end together". EH EH! Okay, I'm a huge loser.

I went out walking earlier. I was saddened by preteen girls in tube tops and mini skirts who were outwardly drunk. The one could barely walk.

I started my walk in a romantic mood, but that somehow transferred to loneliness. I miss.... him. Argh. I don't want to. I want to be happy in between. I was doing so well, but tonight I miss him... a lot. E-mails just don't cut it sometimes.

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